Malapropisms

Year 9 French

Me: Do you need a dictionary to complete your homework? You can borrow a school one if you need.

TM: Skeen, Sir, no need, yeah? I've got a massive dictionary at home - my mum bought it. It's a theosaurus as well.

Me: A theosaurus? Like a new type of dinosaur? scoff scoff.

TM: Unnnergh, Sir. Don't you know? A THEEE-OH-SAURUS is like a massive dictionary!

---

Learning Conversation with Form

Me: So you're taking the Textiles GCSE in the end?

AJ: Yeah, Miss is offering it after schools. We're gonna do it on Tuesdays.

Me: Brilliant. Make sure you attend all the sessions.

AJ: Obviously, Sir!

Me: (ever the nagging pedant) And you'll have less time for it than for your other GCSEs so you need to really put in the effort.

AJ: I know!

Me: (harping on) You should always go on time because Miss is putting it on in her own spare time, as I hope you realise!

AJ: Sir! Stop talking to me like I'm innocent!

Me: Innocent?

AJ: You know, like as if I don't know anything!

Me: Ignorant?

Boots. Too. Big. Their. For.

An odd phenomenon's a-rising,

And I have found it most surprising.

It coincides with the creation

Of special 'Learning Conversations'.

For every child, a certain time,

A different day, quarter to nine,

They meet and talk, discuss and chat,

About their lessons, this and that.

Their tutor does not sit and judge,

Their tutor's not to bear a grudge,

But is instead required to ask,

"Why do you think you go off task?

Why do you find this class is bad?

What are successes that you've had?

Do tell me, Bobby, how you feel,

I'm paid to listen to your spiel!"

The child talks, says that and this,

Explains detentions that they've missed,

Thinks up excuses for their work:

"This teacher really is a jerk.

I don't get on with them at all,

So if I fail it's not my fault."

The problem comes with tutors who

Just shrug and say "what can you do?"

And leave the kids with the impression,

That having made a weak confession,

They are absolved of doing work,

For teachers they think are "a jerk".

Then when confronted in a lesson,

The student spits back with aggression,

"Allaaaii! I don't get on with you, you know,

My tutor says you go too slow,

I'm G & T - differentiate!

You gotta challenge me, yeah mate!?"

Etimology

Wedge - adj. strong, well-built, hench, buff...

e.g. Schwarzenegger is wedge.

"Nah man, I'm well wedge now, innit!"

"What does 'wedge' mean?"

"Allaiii, Sir, it means like strong, you know."

"Oh I see, and do you know why you use the word 'wedge'?"

"Um....cos it means hench?"

"No, why 'wedge' in particular?"

"Dunno."

"What is a wedge?"

"Like a doorwedge?"

"Right. What shape is that?"
"Wedge-shaped."

"And what shape is a wedge?"

"Triangle?"

"Yes. Like a strong person with broad shoulders tapering to the waist."

"Oh yeah! I geddit! Sir, you're so clever!"

No I'm not. I'm just being fastidious about irrelevant linguistic quirks.

Lar-di-dar!

Mistaken Identity.

Me: So what motivates you to study?

CM: To get rich so that I can be rich.

JP: I don't study.

Me: What'll you do when you're rich?

CM: I'll buy a house. No I'll build a house like one of those massive ones.

Me: Right. And then what?

CM: I'll invest my money so that I can make even more money from it.

Me: In stocks and shares?

CM: No I'll invent something.

Me: So once you're rich you'll go back to your workshop and invent things?

CM: No I'll hire loads of people to invent things for me and then sell it for more money.

Me: So what'll happen when you've got billions, your family is set up for generations, you don't actually need any more money. What'll you do?

JP: Build a bigger house.

CM: I dunno...yeah build a bigger house.

Me: You could start a charity and give your money away like Bill Gates.

Blank looks.

Me: He's given away billions of money to charity. He says it's what motivates him now.

Blank looks.

Me: You do know who Bill Gates is, right?

Something stirs.

JP: Yeah...he's the richest man in the world?

Me: Something like that, yes. How did he make his money?

JP: Computers?

CM: UNNNEERGHH! No! He's the singer!

Me: ??

CM: Yeah...isn't he a singer or something?

Me: No, he's the inventor of Windows.

JP: Like I said - computers.

CM: I thought he was a singer on TV.

The penny drops.

Me: You're mistaking him with Gareth Gates.

     Gareth                             Bill

Learning Conversations

Every morning before registration I host something called 'learning conversations' for members of Form. My form are divided into groups of 4 or 5 and each group is designated to come on one day of the week to discuss their progress, difficulties and learning. Needless to say Form's attendance is patchy, but it's a chance to catch up with them more individually with the aim that none of them 'slip through the net'.


WS was particularly infuriating this week:


Me: Have you been doing any revision for your SAT exams?
WS: Yeah.
Me: What have you done?
WS: Revision.
Me: But I mean what subjects?
WS: I dunno.
Me: Maths? Science?
WS: Yeah.
Me: So what do you do when you revise?
WS: I dunno.
Me: Do you do revision at home or at school?
WS: I dunno.
Me: What revision techniques do you use? How do you make sure you remember everything?
WS: I revise.
Me: Yes, but what concrete things do you do?
WS: I do some revision.
Me: Do you read your books? Write notes? Do practise questions?
WS: I dunno.
Me: Are you sure you do anything?
WS: Yeah. I revise.
Me: Do you have a Maths textbook for example?
WS: No.
Me: Do you take your exercise books home?
WS: No.
Me: Do you draw mind-maps? Or do practice questions?
WS: No.
Me: So how can you revise if you don't have your textbooks or your exercise books?
WS: I dunno.
Me: So how are you preparing for your SATs?
WS: I revise.