Monday, 22 March 2010

The inanities of the everyday

Abdi is helping Hamid. (Names changed. As always.) They are producing projects on the theme of Politics The two of them are trying to get 'elected' to political power by their peers and are putting together a PowerPoint spelling out why they should be chosen. The election is taking place on an imaginary island where they have found themselves stranded with their classmates.

Title of PowerPoint: "Why I'm a good leader"

Hamid: Let's put that I'm sick at hunting, yeah?
Abdi: [painstakingly starts typing] Yes bruv. And let's put that we're Afghan soldiers and Somali pirates.
Hamid: Hahahaha. Afghan soldiers UK, brrrup brrrup! What!
Abdi has finished his slow typing. The screen reads "Elect me cos I'm good at haunting".
Abdi: Let's put pictures of our weapons up.
Hamid: Put a machine gun.
Abdi: And a rocket launcher.
Abdi finds a picture of a baby holding a sub-machine gun and copies it onto his slide.
Hamid: Hahahaha that's you.
Abdi: Hahahaha eeeeazy, that's my li'l brother, allaiiii!
Hamid: Hahahaha Somali pirates UK, brrrrup brrrrup! What!
Abdi: Hahahahaha safe!

Friday, 19 March 2010


It is a well documented fact that events outside the classroom have an impact on what takes place during the lesson.

Today I received an excited text from my brother halfway through the day declaring that Arsenal had drawn Barcelona in the quarter finals of the Champions League. If a grown man gets that excited about (easily available) news, imagine the effect on immature little children!

"Sir! Sir! Sir!"
"Do your translation. Sit down."
"No, Sir, you don't understand! Sir, Arsenal are gonna get MERKED!!! Sir, you don't understand dey're gonna get DUN!!! Messi is gonna KILL dem, Sir."

Even one of my sixth formers was struggling to concentrate.

"Are you done with those exercises then? Why are you swinging back staring out of the window?"
"Sorry, Sir, it's just that I'm baffed."
"Yeah, man. I'm baffed that Arsenal are gonna get merked!"

Sunday, 14 March 2010


25 Year 7s went missing on Thursday. They were found locked into the Dance Studio, being taken through their paces by LM, a feckless Year 10 girl, and AR, a camp Year 9 ruffian. LM, you see, had volunteered to run a dance club as part of her Youth Philanthropy Initiative project. This was cautiously supported by the staff as LM has an appalling record of truancy and rudeness and was "severely disengaged from the curriculum". Perhaps this was her chance to succeed at something and benefit from some praise (or "positive reinforcement", as the behaviour managers term it). However, LM took matters too far when she convinced the 11 year-olds that attending her dance studio session was more important than going to lessons and, what's more, had been approved by the teachers. It was slightly embarrassing for the school not to know where 25 youngsters were, and all the more so given the encouragement that LM had received to go ahead with her volunteering project. It is now doubtful whether she will be allowed to continue with her career as a dance coach.

Friday, 5 March 2010


Equipment for Science Exam

1) One can of Coke. ("I need a buzz for my exam!")
2) One can of Red Bull. ("I need energy for my brain!")
3) One Boost chocolate bar. ("I need breakfast!")
4) One pencil [blunt]. ("Do you reckon I need a pencil, Sir? I don't have a pen so this'll do, right?")
5) One scientific calculator ("Heh heh, I'm so dumb, I should have brought this to my Maths exam but I forgot. Do you reckon I'll need it in the Science one?")


  • Ensure that any preparations are left until the last minute.
  • Chase around the school asking every teacher for a pen. Make sure you do this in groups of 5 or 6 as this will definitely [not] increase your chances of finding one.
  • Bunk registration in the morning due to "stress".
  • Start your revision on the morning of the examination.
  • Have a break from revision to buy fizzy drinks.
  • Act surprised and angry when told [or, reminded!] that the examination is in the morning and not the afternoon.
  • Do not faint in the exam.
  • Refuse to do any other work that day due to "stress".
  • Ask when the re-sit dates are and diarize them.