Monday, 23 November 2009

Two school words

peng adj. attractive, beautiful, 'definitely would'. Used by horny, teenage wannabe-lotharios when talking to their mates about a girl. As heard today: "Check out that sixth former, blud, she's peng!!"

brass adj. [with a short 'a'; rhymes with 'crass' or 'gas'] the opposite of peng, meaning ugly, gross or unattractive. For instance "Sir, the Headteacher is brass" or "Unnergh! stop tryin' to be all smoov and dat! you're brass, blud, you'll never get in der!" or "What's your favourite TV show? Brass Betty?"

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Boy, do they grow up fast...

MB: Hah, you're a skank!
AO: Fuck off! Why're your eyes red? You been bunnin' draw, blud!
MB: Nah mate. You've been doing crack.
Me: Boys, not in the canteen please. I don't want to listen to this.
MB: Nah seriously, Sir, he gets his Oyster card and chops it up like this...and slices it like this...and moves it into lines like this and then *snort*.
Me: MB! That's enough. I don't want to listen to this when I'm eating my lunch.
AO: He's only joking, Sir.
MB: Yeah don't worry, Sir, AO doesn't really do cocaine. He only smokes.
AO: Usually it's only cigarettes.
Exeunt laughing.

When I was twelve I didn't even know what weed was!!

What a revelation!

"Sir, we don't have a lesson next week 'cos it's Eid."
"But you celebrated Eid just over a month ago."
"Yeah, but there's two."
"What does this one celebrate?"
"It celebrates the revolution of the Koran."

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

On the way to class - Part II

JP: Sir, did you know that the Twin Towers was a conspiracy?
Me: I did not!
JP: Sir, it's true!
Me: Where's your evidence? You're doing History GCSE, right? You need to have facts to prove your case!
JP: Sir, sir, go on YouTube.
Me: YouTube?
JP: Yeah, Sir. There's a video on YouTube.
Me: Riiiight...
JP: It's American money. You fold it and it's got the Twin Towers blowing up on it!
Me: Come on J. That is not proof.
JP: Yeah, but, Sir! It's so weird!
Judge for yourself here.
JP: Sir, I was talking to Mr H today about the BNP.
Me: What did you say?
JP: He was talking about the leader - the Griffin person?
Me: That's right. What do you think of him?
JP: He's a liar isn't he?
Me: What do you mean?
JP: The Holocaust was when like a million Jewish people were killed, right?
Me: About six.
JP: Yeah, well most of the things the BNP say are lies because they say it didn't happen. That's what Mr H said.
Me: And what do you think?
JP: Yeah I reckon that he's a liar then, innit.
Glad that this is JP's conclusion, following on from our somewhat disturbing conversation about immigration last week.
JP: Sir, the Holocaust happened in the Second World War.
Me: Yes.
JP: That began in 1945 didn't it Sir?


Year 9 French
Me: Do you need a dictionary to complete your homework? You can borrow a school one if you need.
TM: Skeen, Sir, no need, yeah? I've got a massive dictionary at home - my mum bought it. It's a theosaurus as well.
Me: A theosaurus? Like a new type of dinosaur? scoff scoff.
TM: Unnnergh, Sir. Don't you know? A THEEE-OH-SAURUS is like a massive dictionary!


Learning Conversation with Form
Me: So you're taking the Textiles GCSE in the end?
AJ: Yeah, Miss is offering it after schools. We're gonna do it on Tuesdays.
Me: Brilliant. Make sure you attend all the sessions.
AJ: Obviously, Sir!
Me: (ever the nagging pedant) And you'll have less time for it than for your other GCSEs so you need to really put in the effort.
AJ: I know!
Me: (harping on) You should always go on time because Miss is putting it on in her own spare time, as I hope you realise!
AJ: Sir! Stop talking to me like I'm innocent!
Me: Innocent?
AJ: You know, like as if I don't know anything!
Me: Ignorant?

Monday, 2 November 2009

On the way to class

JP: Sir, there's too many of them.
Me: Who?
JP: Immigrants.
Me: What do you mean?
JP: Why do they all even want to come to our country anyway?
CM: Cos they get stuff for free.
JP: They get everything for free.
CM: Like free health and a house without even working for it.
Me: What are you implying? That we have too many immigrants? That you don't get free healthcare when others do?
JP: We should send them all back.
Me: Really? And how would that happen? Would you have to send me back too?
JP: Nah weren't you born here?
Me: Yes. But my mother and father weren't...
CM: Yeah so that's fine you've got British citizenship so you can stay.
Me: What about my parents? They've got British citizenship but weren't born here.
No answer.
JP: But they're terrorists. Not your parents, Sir, the immigrants. The Pakis and the Afghans and them.
Me: All of them? Terrorists?
CM: Sir, we might get bombed in 2012! For the Olympics.
Me: There have already been bombings in London, but that doesn't make all immigrants from Pakistan and Afghanistan terrorists! What about your friends in this school? They're not terrorists.
JP: Nah, Sir, it's only the ones with turbans and long beards. They're the terrorists. They're the ones we have to send back home.
Me: I can't tell if you're 'joking' or being serious. It's racist to accuse everyone of being a terrorist just because they're from a certain background. Off you go to class. We'll have to discuss this at another time.