Parenting Fail

Last term, on non-uniform day, 11 year old EC came in to school with a baggy t-shirt with the following slogan proudly emblazoned upon it:

"I Eat Pussy Like A Fat Kid Eats Cake"

At what point did mummy or daddy think that was appropriate?

"Don't blame yourself, Sir"

4 months to go until the GCSEs. A crucial Parents' Evening. Most of the parents and carers are on form: shouting at their lazy children in front of me in Igbo, Twi, Yoroba, Arabic and Urdu. Threatening to cut off X-Box rights, access to the internet or, and I suspect (though admittedly my Yoroba lets me down at this point) promising a good thrashing if their attitude does not improve.

Up comes CM with her mother. CM, the worst and rudest student in my experience of the school. Who shouts back at me in class, refuses to pick up a pen, encourages other students to misbehave to annoy me and is a fully fledged Lady Chav. The mother, as it soon becomes clear, is painfully afraid of her own daughter.

I extend a welcoming hand, and then hear the most crushing opening gambit from a parent that I could have never even dreamt up:

"Hi, I thought we'd come to hear the bad report from you. I just want to take this opportunity to say that I think we all know that CM will get a U in French and I don't want you to feel responsible or to blame yourself. I've come to apologise and just to say that really."

And this from a parent! What hope is there for the kid if their own mother doesn't think it's worth her daughter studying for her GCSEs?! CM followed up with a prepared comment of her own:

"You hate me and I hate you. So I wouldn't even bother, Sir".

I was stupefied and did nothing for a moment. I struggled for the words to explain to CM that she had grossly overestimated how much her bad behaviour got to me and that far from hating her, and quite in contrast to the pre-emptive forgiveness her mother was offering me, I felt responsible for her French mark and just wanted to help her complete a GCSE.

I'll see if it isn't too late for her to change subject.

On the way to class

JP: Sir, there's too many of them.
Me: Who?
JP: Immigrants.
Me: What do you mean?
JP: Why do they all even want to come to our country anyway?
CM: Cos they get stuff for free.
JP: They get everything for free.
CM: Like free health and a house without even working for it.
Me: What are you implying? That we have too many immigrants? That you don't get free healthcare when others do?
JP: We should send them all back.
Me: Really? And how would that happen? Would you have to send me back too?
JP: Nah weren't you born here?
Me: Yes. But my mother and father weren't...
CM: Yeah so that's fine you've got British citizenship so you can stay.
Me: What about my parents? They've got British citizenship but weren't born here.
No answer.
JP: But they're terrorists. Not your parents, Sir, the immigrants. The Pakis and the Afghans and them.
Me: All of them? Terrorists?
CM: Sir, we might get bombed in 2012! For the Olympics.
Me: There have already been bombings in London, but that doesn't make all immigrants from Pakistan and Afghanistan terrorists! What about your friends in this school? They're not terrorists.
JP: Nah, Sir, it's only the ones with turbans and long beards. They're the terrorists. They're the ones we have to send back home.
Me: I can't tell if you're 'joking' or being serious. It's racist to accuse everyone of being a terrorist just because they're from a certain background. Off you go to class. We'll have to discuss this at another time.

Venn Diagram

Sometimes you realise that a teacher, and school in general, is only one of a series of influences on a child.

AOB came to my class a week ago - last lesson on the Friday. He is the school's most notorious 12 year old. A year ago the school received a phone call that he had been chucked out of a pub down the road. He was found with the keys to a stolen car and a bag full of new mobile phones. One day he'd missed school and when a teacher rang home to check up on him, his mother retorted with something along the lines of "oh yeah, I've not seen him for a couple of days either." He smokes and hangs out with criminals. I was determined that he should not get wind of the fact that I'd heard all about him and that I was wary of him, but instead should have the opportunity for seeing his new French teacher as a fresh start.

I was not hoping for the best, however, when as he came in he announced that "I only went to one French lesson last year, Sir. I'm shit!" Usually when students think they're bad at something they don't bother trying. Others make it their mission to ruin the lessons for everyone else as well. But to my surprise AOB was polite and enthusiastic for the whole 100 minutes. He put his hand up and gave everything a go, gave me the opportunity to reward him, listened to others and moved seat when asked.

What's the problem? This teaching lark is a piece of piss. Even the criminals respond to me now that I'm in my second year and a seasoned pro.

I left a message on his mother's answer-phone praising her son, and wrote an email to the Learning Support teacher who has spent the most time with him and knows him best. She replied asking me to come up and see her.

It turned out that AOB had earlier that day been suspended for five days for threatening to stab a teacher, that it had been presumed that he had run out of school at lunch time and that he had been expressly forbidden by the Principal from attending any lessons. His good behaviour and attendance in my class had not only been against the express instructions of the Principal and her Deputies, but had also been a carefully calculated 100 minutes of excellent behaviour.